We all know some of them: they are constantly complaining, and nothing is good enough. They feel persecuted and consider themselves the victims of the entire world. They don’t take responsibilities, don’t cooperate or don’t keep their promises. These people think they know better and give their opinion (loudly and repeatedly) on absolutely everything. They sulk when they don’t get what they want and cannot be reasoned with. They are rude, self-centred, unreliable… In short, they are difficult people!
We all have some of them in our lives. They may be our boss, a neighbour, a relative or someone in our friends’ group. Dealing with them is both challenging and exhausting: it makes you stressed, anxious and it can ruin your mood for the whole day. Unfortunately, you feel like you can’t just cut them off. You certainly tried to let them know how you disapproved of their attitude and behaviour, but they are simply oblivious. So how can you effectively deal with difficult people without letting it affect your own well-being?
Step 1. Accept an essential truth: You're not responsible for other people's actions, only for your own.
This is a crucial fact: every individual is responsible for one’s own attitudes and behaviour. You cannot force people to behave a certain way, nor can you “change” them. On the other hand, you’re in charge (and control) of how you act and react to them. This is also true for moods and emotions: you are not to be blamed if someone gets out of bed on the wrong side and every imaginable little thing makes him annoyed or angry.
In contrast, no one can make you feel anything if you don’t let them. Between us, how many times did you say or think: “This person makes me lose my mind”, “They stress me out” or “What they do make me so angry”? It’s pretty natural; we are all guilty of this. But when we solely blame the other person, we approach the situation the wrong way.
What other people do or say tells more about them than it ever does about you. It’s not their comments but how you react and respond to those that show who you truly are.
Let’s take an example: you just got a promotion and a public acknowledgement from your company due to your hard work. A difficult colleague suddenly makes this comment, just loud enough for you to hear: “Pff. They really reward anyone nowadays”.
It stings, doesn’t it? His comment doesn’t mean you don’t deserve the praise. Maybe he believes you don’t and disagree with the management and company’s value system. Fair enough, but he could have done that in silence. The fact that he said it out loud demonstrates his bitterness, anger and frustration. His way to cope with these negative emotions is to try to take other people’s own satisfaction away. As we said, his comment and behaviour tell more about who he is than it does about you. Now, remember: he can only ruin your mood and day if you let him. He doesn’t have any power over you. You have complete control.
Let’s take a look at your potential reactions. Three immediately comes to my mind:
• You let his comment reach and hurt you. Doubting yourself, you wonder if he might be right or if everyone else thinks the same. You let him negatively affect your day and emotions.
• You enter his game and answer in the same provocative tone: “Well, they might promote anyone and yet, still not you apparently”. Shutting him up may feel really satisfying at that point, but it may have negative consequences in the future. Your work relationships may tense up even further. It could affect the team productivity and even potentially your own individual success in the long run. Besides, it would show a need to react and defend yourself against the “threat” his comment represents.
• You look at him to acknowledge you heard him, smile and go on ignoring him. You realise he is more to be pitied than confronted or defeated. He is not worth it. You have enough self-confidence, emotional control and grace not to let his passive-aggressive behaviours affect yours.
Let’s repeat it one more time: You cannot control, nor change, other people. You’re only responsible for yourself, for your own moods, attitudes and behaviour.
Step 2. Adjust your expectations when dealing with difficult people
We all are unique individuals. Our core values, beliefs system and life experience daily influence our actions and decisions. The principles and appropriate behaviours we think natural, necessary or unquestionable might vary for a person with different standards and perspective than ours.
Let’s take a couple of examples. Imagine reliability is one of your core values: for you, keeping your word, being on time and delivering the tasks you took responsibilities on is crucial. If a friend is half an hour late to your lunch gathering, you might be sad and angry with him for disrespecting your time and not making any effort to stick to the plan that was agreed upon. When he arrives, you’ll complain and let him know his actions “make you” (here we are again) sad and annoyed. It’s his fault the lunch starts on such a negative note.
Now, from his perspective, he might have been late due to a variety of what he considers valid reasons. Maybe what is truly important for him is to help people in need. Maybe his cousin, who’s going through a rough patch in life at the moment, called him for support. Valuing family over punctuality, he focused on being a supportive shoulder. He didn’t notice the time or didn’t feel like cutting the conversation short. Maybe he’s worried for her and, now, you’re also angry with him, complaining and guilting him for what he considers not such a big deal. Perhaps, at that point, he feels you are being difficult.
Another example: you could value kindness and empathy in your relationships. You dread this boss, who you find insensitive and rude, and constantly criticises how you do your job. You might even think that he doesn’t like you personally. What if his core values were around honesty and growth, and he believed straight talk is the most effective way to improve, develop and succeed? On his side, he might think that you’re hard to deal with because you’re too sensitive and don’t know how to handle what he considers constructive feedback without getting emotive.
There is no right or wrong, and no one is solely at fault. Every human relationship takes two sides to develop. You should never change what you are and what you believe in for other people. However, making an effort to understand and consider those differences can go a long way in dealing with difficult people and situations. Keep in mind that what is essential for you may not be others’ forte or priorities. It will help you set appropriate and realistic expectations in your relationship with them.
This new perspective will also help you not get too emotionally worked up and reduce your frustration. Be ready to embrace and appreciate any positive aspects a situation or a person can bring.
Lastly, it will help adjust your communication style towards a more empathic and constructive one. In the late friend’s case, instead of immediately accusing him and putting him on the defensive, acknowledge his side and take ownership of your feelings and opinions. Just consider the difference between: “You are always late, you don’t respect me!” vs “I’ve been waiting 30 minutes, I don’t feel like you respect my time. I understand something came up, but I would have appreciated a text” – how is he likely to answer both?
In the same vein, refrain from telling people they are wrong. Let them know, if necessary, that you personally don’t agree or think differently. As a general rule of thumb, start your sentence with “I” instead of “you”. A sentence beginning with you will probably involve an accusation and automatically put the other on the defensive. On the contrary, “I feel/think/would like/will not…” shows that you’re taking responsibility for your own feelings instead of blaming the other person for them. You have to own what you want to say: it’s your perspective, based on your values and expectations.
A few examples:
"You're wrong" vs "I don't agree";
"You should…" vs "I think it would be good if we…" ;
"Stop yelling!" (usually yelling yourself) vs "I do not accept being yelled at."
Step 3. Learn to master constructive communication
The third step in dealing with difficult people is to learn how to communicate effectively. One of the main challenges is staying calm and not losing control in what usually is a highly emotional situation.
Constructive communication starts with active listening. Instead of waiting impatiently to say your next piece and argue your point, truly focus on what the other is saying. Not only may it help you empathise and understand better your interlocutor’s perspective and position, but it might also help with his attitude. Most people crave to be listened to and understood. Active listening will show signs of good faith from your side and a willingness to consider your interlocutor’s opinion.
Tips for Active Listening:
• Use your body language to show you’re listening attentively and encourage the other side to tell you more: look at your interlocutor, nod, use small comments such as “yes” and “huh huh”, remain open and smile. Refrain yourself to interrupt or disagree immediately. Active listening is not about judging, it’s about understanding as much as possible your interlocutor’s point of view.
• Reformulate the essential part in your own words, and confirm with him you got it right: “If I understood correctly… Is that right?”. Always keep in mind that emotions interfere with our ability to be entirely rational. Reformulating and asking for confirmation gives people the opportunity to clarify and reconsider. It also may help realise misinterpretations or false assumptions
• Drive further explanations with open questions about your interlocutor’s feelings. It’s the best way to connect with him and move the communication forward efficiently. “Why is this an issue?”; “How would you like things to be?”; “What do you want to do next?” etc.
Keep in mind that the goal is not to judge, agree or disagree with what your interlocutor is telling. The point is to listen and understand what he thinks, his reality and perspective, no matter how far away it is from yours.
Once you’ve listened and understood your interlocutor’s position, it’s time to express your own. The best way to communicate efficiently with difficult people is to keep the conversation as rational as possible and avoid emotions taking over. Do not shy away from your own opinions and boundaries: be assertive.
How to be assertive when communicating with difficult people?
• Know the message you want to communicate: explain the issue in a brief, clear and specific way.
• Let the person know how you feel and acknowledge your part in the situation.
Remember: people are not “making you” feel anything, and they don’t necessarily have the same values and standards as you.
• Offer a way to move forward. This is an important one, in my opinion. You shouldn’t just complain about a situation to someone and then expect them to sort it out. Instead, be clear with what you want – or do not want – to happen. State what is or isn’t acceptable to you and identify potential solutions and consequences if no suitable ways forward can be found.
A word of caution here: Don’t threaten your interlocutor! The idea is, of course, not to “punish” or take revenge on him if he doesn’t comply with what you want. However, our (in)actions have consequences. You need to be clear with what would logically happen next if no solutions can be found. You don’t always need to state the consequences out loud to the other, but you need to have them in mind and be ready to follow through if it comes to that.
• Ask for opinions and take into account the reply. It’ll show your interlocutor that you’re simply expressing yourself and trying to find a suitable solution rather than making demands. Once again, listen to his piece without interrupting, defending yourself or arguing. It’s essential to only focus on what’s relevant and not let emotions take over and deflect the conversation’s main topic.
• Stand firm. Active listening shows people you consider their point of view, but it does not mean that you agree or have to comply. Acknowledge that you’ve understood, stick to your point by responding only to what’s relevant and stand your ground. Of course, be open to negotiate and compromise when possible. There might be alternative ways to fit both you and the other person and respect your own needs and boundaries.
Sometimes, talks do not go the way we planned, and the emotional charge takes over. In those cases, it’s better to disengage and take some time to calm down. Let the other person know that you need time to think it through or that it would be better to continue the conversation at another point. Do not tolerate – from their side or yours – insults, attacks, belittlements or humiliation.
Difficult people & Recognizing passive-aggressive behaviour
Some people have a downright aggressive communication style, but most people can be difficult in a much less transparent way. You can feel something is not right with them, but the person is never open about the issue. If you try to talk with them, they’ll deny anything is wrong and probably gaslight you into thinking you’re imagining things and being too dramatic or sensitive.
Some behaviours, such as sulking, procrastinating, constantly “forgetting”, making excuses or lying, can be used to control, manipulate or even sabotage. No matter how frustrating that can be, keep in mind that there are reasons behind their behaviour. They might feel they have no influence or say in what is happening, or they might suffer from low confidence and struggle to express themselves.
There are no needs to highlight or attack their behaviour. That will put them on the defensive and reinforce their negative attitude. The best thing to do is guide them into more constructive communication by applying the steps above. Remain calm and genuine in your approach:
1. Focus on facts and “I” sentences
2. Ask for ideas and listen to their opinions.
3. Offer suggestions to move forward and be open to suitable compromises.
4. Confirm whatever you agree on.
If, despite your efforts, the person refuses to cooperate, calmly disengage from the conversation and follow through with the pre-established consequences. This is NOT losing or giving in. You are making the conscious decision to move forward. As you know, you cannot control what other people do or feel, but you can decide how to deal with a given situation – for your own good.
Step 4. Stand up for yourself
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, nothing solves the situation because the person you’re dealing with is not difficult but truly impossible. Don’t let these people take a toll on your mental health: you can always walk away. If not completely, at least take your distance. Make yourself available only within a defined set of circumstances and boundaries. Do not take their attitude personally (sooo much easier said than done, I know!), let it make you doubt your self-worth or feel guilty. Your value is in what you are, not in what you are not. I’m sure you’re an amazing, unique human being with plenty of defining qualities. If they cannot appreciate them, it’s their problem, not yours.
You have to find the courage to be and stand up for yourself. We often enable impossible people by making ourselves available and sticking around despite their disrespectful, selfish and entitled behaviours. Regarding the nature of your relationships and ties with them, the idea of cutting them off your life might seem scary. But moving away from difficult people has many benefits: you’ll end up with more time and energy to focus on your own well-being and personal growth. You’ll enjoy more peace and quiet in your daily life, with less stress and anxiety. You’ll be able to develop new interests and relationships with positive people, who will make you feel good and confident about yourself.
Positive people value your opinions and achievements. They encourage your growth by introducing you to new ideas and interests. Hanging out and interacting with them makes you happy, and they will be available and supportive in times of need. You deserve it!
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This article was widely inspired by the book “How to deal with difficult people” by Gill Hansson. If you’d like to read more in-depth on the topic, feel free to give it a look!