Do you ever hear this little despotic voice in your head? The one that tells you that you’re not good enough or that other people can do it better? When you dream about what your life could be, it reminds you that you might fail and convince you it’s not worth the risk. That, my friend, is your inner critic, whose sole purpose is to repeat the self-limiting beliefs you hold about yourself, other people and life in general.
What are Self-Limiting Beliefs?
They are all the restricting thoughts you have about who you are and what you can do. Those thoughts put you in a tiny, deceptive box of your own making. It shapes what you think you deserve or is possible, and prevents you from seeing past it. That mental jail keeps you from stepping into the world of limitless possibilities you have in life. Constrained by this false definition of yourself, you stay put. You don’t take actions towards getting what you genuinely want, reaching your goals and fulfilling the dreams you have.
Maybe you don’t apply for your dream job because you believe you lack the necessary skills and experience. Maybe you stay in an unhappy relationship because you don’t think you could find, or deserve, anything better. Or perhaps you don’t pursue your passion because you believe you are not talented enough… The examples are limitless.
Why should I look into my own Self-Limiting beliefs?
They are two tricky parts with self-limiting beliefs. First, most of them are subconscious, and you might not even be aware you have them. Yet, they influence all the decisions and actions you take daily. Our belief system develops early and is ingrained in us since our childhood. For better or worse, your family dynamic and morals passed on you a whole set of values, opinions, beliefs, expectations and fears that influenced how you look at and interact with the world. When you’re a child, whatever you learn from family is the norm. Later experiences, interactions and relationships will build on those pre-established beliefs and, more often than not, reinforce them. They become the peephole we see reality through.
The second challenging part is that we don’t see them as limiting beliefs even when we recognise them. We see them as indisputable facts. Breaking news: they aren’t. So what happened? How is that possible? According to neuroscience, every time you have the same thought, the tiny brain connection responsible for it becomes stronger and stronger. Our brain loves to be right: to deal with the incredible amount of daily information it receives, it has to select what to take into account (and what to ignore). It makes this selection based on what fits the pre-existing connections and thoughts patterns, reinforcing them along the way. Evidence that goes against them is ignored. At some point, you become literally wired to think in a very defined, specific way, and you never stop to re-evaluate the accuracy of the thought again.
The good news is: nothing is set in stone. You can reprogram your brain in a way that will serve and empower you rather than constrain you.
So how to overcome Self-Limiting Beliefs?
1. Identify the self-limiting beliefs you want to get rid of
Take the time to acknowledge your limiting beliefs. It’s essential to uncover what’s going on in your brain and understand what’s preventing you from doing what you really want. Now, you might wonder where to begin. If listing all your self-limiting beliefs sounds a daunting task, start with a few only. Pick an area of your life you want to focus on and improve, such as relationships, work, finance, self-confidence or anything else.
Once you choose a topic, write down all the limiting beliefs that come to your mind.
If inspiration is hard to come at first, here’s a small exercise that can help. Imagine you’re Aladin, you found the magic lamp, and you have this genie who can make 2 to 3 of your wildest dreams in the area you picked come true. What would you wish for? What would your ideal life look like if you could achieve anything you want? Now, what’s preventing you from getting there?
I went through this myself just a few weeks before writing this article. At that time, I finally decided to tackle down all the self-limiting beliefs that stopped me from starting a blog.
This is how it approximately went: "Genie, I'd like to be able to live from my writing, be my own boss and work from a peaceful cottage in the mountains next to a lake". Now, why is that impossible?
• "Genies don't exist" (#smarty-pant, translate into: "I can't achieve that by myself") ;
• "I'm not talented enough" and "So many people are already doing it much better than I ever could."
• "I don't have anything interesting or original to say";
• "I need my 9-to-5 job - I don't have time to write";
• "I don't have the necessary dedication/resilience/perseverance it takes to be a good writer"; ...
Here you go, you get the idea.
Let all these self-limiting beliefs out. Accept that they are personal fears holding you back and preventing you from living your best life. Lastly, try to identify where all these thoughts come from. When did you start thinking this? What, or who, convince you this was true? Does it come from a traumatic event, a childhood memory, a specific period of your life, other people’s fears or your education?
2. Time to let go
Now that we have identified and dragged those self-limiting thoughts out of our subconscious, it’s time we push through them and finally break free from the grip they have on our lives. It’s not gonna be easy. As we mentioned earlier, they may have begun as simple thoughts, but they progressively became our reality.
For each one of them, do a quick assessment of their value, purpose and validity.
Not all limiting beliefs are useless and should be dismissed entirely without further consideration. The most common reason we develop them is to protect ourselves from negative experiences and harmful outcomes, such as disappointment, pain or humiliation. However, those beliefs might be biased and/or outdated. You certainly have grown and evolved a lot since you first developed them. You are stronger, more mature and experienced than you were before. Nowadays, instead of serving you, they might deprive you of the limitless possibilities you have in life.
Let's look at my own self-limiting beliefs around "I cannot become a successful writer". I believe many of them came from my education. I love my parents, and they meant well: they wanted to protect me from life challenges and make sure I could take care of myself.
Their core teaching was that you need to make a (financial) situation for yourself first. Get a degree, experiences on your CV and a job that pays well. Stability and safety were among their core values, and writing is not a safe job with a stable income. On the contrary, a 9-to-5 corporate position where you can progressively climb the hierarchical ladder is a pretty straightforward path to a comfortable situation.
The central belief they passed onto me - "You need to be financially independent and able to support yourself" - is actually valuable advice. Quitting high school back then, or my current job now, with the sole conviction that I will be the next J.K Rowling might not be the best idea. However, does that mean that "I cannot - and will never - become a successful writer?". That "Pursuing my love of writing and putting my work out in the open is worthless"? Or that "I don't have any original or interesting ideas people will enjoy reading about"? No, it doesn't. None of these three last beliefs is either true or helpful. Moving past them was overdue.
We develop a belief system because, as human beings, we need a sense of certainty. Familiarity feels safe. It helps our brain deal with the unfathomable amount of inputs it receives every day. A robust belief system helps reduce stress, anxiety and fear, as we can make decisions without questioning every one of them. But when it prevents you from reaching your full potential, it’s time to push through, get out of your comfort zone and allow yourself to live your best life and be truly happy.
3. Create a new set of empowering, positive beliefs
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Onto the happy part! Now that you have listed all the self-limiting beliefs that came to your mind and feel ready to let them go, you get to decide what you want to believe instead. Yes, it’s (almost) as easy as that. Establish a new positive mantra to replace each limiting belief you listed. The goal is to silence your inner critic and empower you to take actions to reach your goals and dreams.
In his best-seller Atomic Habits, James Clear states that the image we have of ourselves defines our actions. In other words, we do what we think we are. If someone identifies as a fitness freak, they will naturally go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week and take care of their diet. If someone identifies as a writer, they will easily find a few hours a day to devote to their writing. On the other hand, if you identify as a failure, you won’t take any of those steps. Then, enter the reinforcing loop. Every time you take action – or don’t – based on how you think of yourself, you confirm and reinforce this self-image. You are not born with an identity and a personality set in stone. No one is born “a writer”. However, if you write regularly for years and create works you put out in public, you become a writer. If, because of fear, self-loathing or any other reason, you don’t write, then you are not a writer indeed. Not yet, at least.
Let’s go back to our list: did you manage to replace each self-limiting belief with an empowering one? It has to be genuine, and you should be able to believe in your new mantra. If you can’t find a replacement right away, play some role games: Imagine what your best friend, a mentor or a role model would have to say about those. You can also picture an image of your ideal self, one who would have achieved everything you dream of and wonder what would be his/her take on them.
Here are some of my own new set of beliefs:
"I'm not talented enough" -> Mastery comes with practice. Every time I write something, I'll become a better writer and develop my talent.
"So many people are already doing it well, I'm way too far behind" -> Everyone, always, starts from scratch. At some point, all these successful people were "only" people with a laptop and thoughts to share. If they can do it and be successful, so can I.
"I have nothing original to say" -> I'm unique. No one has exactly the same voice, perspective and experience as I. There is no unique message, only unique messengers (I love this one).
"I'm not dedicated or persistent enough to become a writer. I give up projects too fast" -> I can implement an effective and empowering routine that will help me reach my goals, one step at a time.
What about you, all done? Congratulations, my friend, that’s a huge step! These new thoughts might take time to sink, but they, too, will become habitual with enough repetition and practice. Don’t forget you have the power of reprogramming your brain! You’ll finally develop a self-image and a belief system that supports and works for you instead of against you. Cheers!
4. Put your new beliefs into practices (& 3 exercises that can help)
It’s now time to take action and create habits that will support your new belief system and reinforce the identity, the reality you want for yourself. What can you do to take a step in the right direction? What would the person you want to be do?
Of course, limiting beliefs won’t just disappear and never come back. The neurological connections that support them have been strengthening in your brain for years. Sometimes, we feel overwhelmed, and it’s hard, if not impossible, to reason. Fortunately, you can do a few easy exercises whenever you feel your limiting thoughts are trying to take over again. Here are 3 of them:
* Meditation
Our modern minds are often cluttered with negative thoughts, worries and the billion items on our to-do list. There is simply no place for positive, empowering beliefs to fit in. Meditation will help silence your inner critic and free your mind from unwanted, limiting thoughts. The basic idea of meditation is to let thoughts pass without engaging with them, thus creating a quiet place within yourself to receive and hold positive messaging.
Note: If the first thoughts that come to your mind are in the lines of “Meditation is not for me” or “No way I can stay still for more than a minute”, – beware of those self-limiting beliefs! Always remember you can learn about anything you want to. You. Are. In. Control.
* Visualisation and positive affirmations
Visualisation is another tool within easy reach to reprogram your subconscious brain and focus on achieving your goals. Many successful people, from athletes to CEOs and entrepreneurs, vouch for this technique. It’s pretty simple, and the only thing you need is to set a few minutes aside per day to benefit from all the improvement it brings.
Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes and take a minute to focus on your breathing and allow your muscles to relax. Imagine, in as many details as you can, what you would feel and how your life would look like if you already achieved the dream(s) you have. Let the emotions and mental images sink in and fill your inner space.
To keep the benefits of visualisation at hand, you can also create a vision board representing every aspect of your dream life. Use positive affirmation to keep your focus on your goals and your motivation high. Write down all your goals in the present tense and affirm what you want as if you already had it: “I am a successful blogger”; “I am my own boss, managing my time and work as I see fit”; “I spend my day working on something I’m passionate about”. Place your vision board and positive affirmations somewhere you can see them every day. Regularly repeating positive affirmations will help you foster a specific belief and program your subconscious to take actions to make those goals happen. Whenever you feel your motivation drops or doubts sink in, close your eyes and visualise what your life will be once this goal is achieved.
* Let's play a game!
Sometimes, despite all our efforts and goodwill, doubt, self-depreciation and limiting beliefs come back. Once again, it seems we cannot free ourselves and succeed in whatever endeavour we decided to implement. A good way to push past those times is to play the game:
"Let's just say" + An action you currently believe you are incapable of doing + "At worst…"
For example: Let’s just say I start a blog. At worst, no one likes what I write about.
Now, let’s take a look at the first part of the sentence: what would that mean for you, the person you believe you are and your life? In my case, starting a blog would be (was) an action I took towards my passion for writing. I opened a creative outlet for myself, a personal project I’m entirely in charge of, a drive to wake up every morning and work on something I’m excited about.
The worst-case scenario is here to help you get some perspective on your fears and hindrances. First, it’s unlikely to happen because, well, it is the worst case out of a dozen possible outcomes. Then, you might also realise that it wouldn’t be the end of the world even if it was to happen. You’d be able to overcome it fine.
In my case, what if no one likes what I write about? Well, I’d have been working on something I enjoyed and proved to myself I was able to commit to and be in charge of a long-term project. I’d learn many exciting lessons on the way and certainly receive valuable feedback that makes me grow as a person and a writer. It doesn’t sound that bad, does it?
End note: Going out of our comfort zone is scary, but it's worth it. Never doubt that you're strong and resourceful. Go for it! You'll be okay, no matter what.