Do you ever feel responsible for the people close to you, for their feelings and their issues? Does saying “No” to someone make you feel guilty or afraid to damage the relationship you have with them? Is it challenging to fit personal time into your day? Or to speak your mind when you disagree with a person or a situation? Do you ever feel taken advantage of? If you answer “yes” to any of these, you might gain to take a look at your current relationships and boundaries in place. Don’t worry, this is what this article is all about!
Let’s start at the beginning:
What are personal boundaries?
Simply put, boundaries are reasonable rules, guidelines and limits a person establishes for oneself. It is about putting yourself, your own needs and goals, first. The idea is to define and express what you will, and won’t, accept from other people.
It might sound counterintuitive at first, but setting boundaries is not only primordial for your own mental health and well-being. It also dramatically improves your relationships, whether with a romantic partner, a friend, a colleague or a family member. Healthy boundaries encourage a mutual feeling of respect and consideration for the other’s individuality. It fosters understanding and empathy for one’s needs and helps establish trust.
I recently read a great analogy about boundaries: they are the doors to your inner home, your personal safe space. A lack of limits is like leaving the door wide open: everyone can enter at any time, no matter what you are doing or how you’re feeling.
Here are some examples of boundaries:
• Expressing yourself in uncomfortable situations rather than enduring them passively
• Being able to say “no” without feeling guilty
• Not taking responsibility for other people’s feelings
• Not accepting physical contact from people outside your closest circle
• Scheduling alone time to recharge
• Asking for help and delegating some tasks when needed
• Not being willing to discuss specific topics (religion, politics, life choices etc.) with certain people
• Turning off your phone and social media when you do not want to be disturbed.
You might notice there is no “because…” in these boundaries. You have the right to set up boundaries for yourself and hold on to them without justifications or detailed explanations!
Why are healthy boundaries essential?
Before anything else, boundaries are an expression of self-respect and an essential aspect of self-care. You’re the sole responsible for your own happiness. If you don’t define and enforce healthy boundaries for yourself, no one will (nor can) do it for you.
Boundaries increase your sense of identity and self-confidence. They empower you to take control of things happening to you rather than undergoing them passively. You’ll be able to express what you are and aren’t comfortable with, state what you need and know how to react if someone crosses one of your limits. By setting clear boundaries, you protect yourself and preserve your well-being.
Boundaries also help you develop and maintain healthy and positive relationships in which your own needs are taken into account. By clearly expressing your feelings and limits, you can create safe, genuine connections based on realistic expectations and mutual respect.
On the contrary, without any boundaries, you may feel unheard and unappreciated. Interactions with some people cause you a lot of stress, as you worry about how you are gonna be treated or what the next request is gonna be. You may grow frustrated and resentful, and those uncomfortable feelings are not sustainable. You risk ending up exhausted and distressed, unable to cope with the situation anymore. Extensive arguments and a widening gap might ensue. Addressing those feelings right at the start will enable you to maintain a happy, authentic and stable relationship in the long term.
It’s the classic “Oxygen mask” analogy. On every plane, you hear this famous safety rule about placing the oxygen mask over your own face before assisting others. You can only be present and support people you love if you are in the proper physical and mental place. Your first and foremost responsibility is to take care of yourself.
So… Why don't we all have healthy boundaries?
At first, the prospect of setting clear boundaries and voicing them can seem daunting! Saying no, or even disagreeing with someone, can be scary. Many of us have been conditioned to be “people-pleaser”: we put others’ needs first because we believe that, as a partner, a friend, a child or a colleague, our role is to help others.
We might dread conflict or abandonment, and we fear the other person’s reaction if we assert our own boundaries. Besides, we might worry we will hurt their feelings, disappoint them and feel guilty if we say no to someone. We might not want to be judged for speaking up.
Sometimes, no matter how much you would like to help, you don’t have the necessary time or energy to do so. Sometimes, you just don’t feel like doing whatever the other person is asking. This-is-fine! You deserve to put yourself first, and others must accept that. Be assertive when you express and enforce your boundaries. You might feel guilty or selfish at first, but practice makes it easier. Progressively, you’ll gain confidence, and the whole process will become smoother and more natural.
How to define and enforce healthy boundaries - 8 Tips to get you started
1. Believe in personal rights
They might not be written black on white in law books, but every human being, you included, have some personal rights. Keeping them in mind will help you assess your current relationships, spot potential pitfalls and define boundaries to correct them. For example, you have the right to:
• Express what you want, need and feel
• Say no
• Change your mind
• Make mistakes
• Follow your own values and beliefs
• Not being held responsible for other people’s actions, feelings or problems
• Have personal space and alone time
• Be treated with respect
• Expect honesty
Of course, this is a non-exhaustive list, but it might help you get started. What are the relationships you have in your life where you feel these personal rights are not respected?
2. Acknowledge your feelings and what causes them
Time to tune in and reflect on your own feelings!
As always, I strongly advise doing this kind of self-introspection exercises with a journal (or a piece of paper, really). Writing your thoughts down will not only help you sort them out, but you'll also be able to keep it and come back to it whenever you need a reminder of your findings.
Start by thinking about the different relationships in your life:
• Are there people with whom you feel uncomfortable and stressed? (It could also be specific settings or environments, such as your workplace or a family reunion).
• What is causing that? Is it because of people’s behaviour, opinions or expectations? Try to be as specific as possible in identifying what is upsetting you.
• What would need to change for you to feel better?
Spend as much time as needed on these questions. They will highlight the areas and relationships where you need to implement healthier boundaries. Some of them, who relate to your core values and belief system, will apply to everyone. Some, of course, will only apply to a particular group of people, such as your family, colleagues or neighbours.
3. Define your boundaries
The key is to first figure out what you want from each of your relationships. What is important to you, what do you value most? What aspects of your well-being do you not want to sacrifice (anymore)? Based on those standards and desires, define what you will and won’t accept from others, as well as what you expect from your relationships with them.
When you define your boundaries, remember to focus on yourself. For example:
"Colleague X must stop asking me to do tasks that are theirs" -> "I am not responsible for X's job. I have my own workload."
"Dear husband needs to help me more at home" -> "I need to delegate some chores to have more personal time".
4. Be assertive when expressing your boundaries to others
In a relationship, the two parties need to be on the same page. Or, at least, to be aware of and accept each other’s perspective and needs. Often, most basic boundaries are implicit and do not need to be voiced. However, when someone crosses the line, you need to be assertive right away. It doesn’t have to be confrontational: people hold different values, opinions and standards, and that’s perfectly fine. Simply state your boundary and, if you judge it necessary, why it’s important to you. You don’t need to over-explain or justify your position. You have the right to determine what is and isn’t acceptable to you, and “No” is a complete statement.
5. Determine consequences
Setting healthy boundaries might change the relationship dynamics you have with certain people. Their initial reactions may be defensive or dismissive, and they’ll try to cross the limit you just established. Other people are just so self-centred that they do not consider and respect other people’s wishes and needs.
This is why you need to determine consequences if your boundaries are crossed. You should be 100% ready to follow through with them if necessary. It can be as simple as walking away or holding on to your position. You can say “No” to additional responsibility at work, social event after an exhausting week or to family call when you’re in the middle of something else.
No matter how the other person reacts, you are not responsible for their behaviour and feelings. Stand up for yourself, and remember that you do not have to sacrifice your own needs and well-being for the sake of others. Another essential thing to keep in mind is that the only people who’ll get offended or angry at you for setting boundaries are people who benefited when you had none.
6. Start simple
As we already saw, setting up boundaries and holding onto them is not easy, especially when we spent our life and energy being people-pleaser. However, as with everything, practice makes it easier. Every time you successfully enforce a boundary, no matter how small it is, you gain self-confidence and assurance. Start with a casual limit and experience success before moving onto more challenging areas. Prove to yourself you can stand up for your values and needs and protect yourself.
Example of boundaries to start with:
• Practice saying “No” to things you can’t or don’t want to do. It can be as insignificant as refusing to watch a movie you are not interested in or decline the drink offered to you in a bar. Learn not to feel guilty or worry about hurting the other person’s feelings when doing so.
• Ask for help when you need it. Accept you cannot do everything for everyone. Sometimes, you simply do not have the bandwidth to handle what is usually your responsibility. There is no shame in it; it happens to everyone. Friends and family are also here to support in times of need. Try to delegate tasks when necessary and protect your time by not overcommitting.
• Speak up when you feel uncomfortable. “I don’t appreciate…” The goal is not so much to change the other’s behaviour than to express and own your feelings
• Schedule alone time. Your to-do list might never end if you don’t consciously treat personal time and space as a priority. Do more of what makes you happy, whether it be focusing on a project meaningful to you or binge-watching your favourite Netflix series
• Share personal information gradually and in a mutual way. Personal space is essential – preserve it. People who are worth your trust will be patient enough to earn it.
7. Be grateful for others' boundaries
Of course, what is true for you is also true for others. When you do not have healthy boundaries for yourself, accepting others’ might be tricky. We may feel rejected if the person refuses to hang out, offended by the secrets they keep or hurt if they express an opposite opinion to our own.
Knowing that healthy boundaries are here to protect oneself and preserve balanced and positive relationships, you can shift your approach. When someone expresses a personal standard, be grateful for their openness and honesty. Emphasise your desire for them to feel comfortable and be empathic towards their needs. Transparent communication and mutual respect are critical elements to build trust and genuine connection with others.
Sometimes, others’ boundaries might conflict with your needs and desires. For example, it’s perfectly fine to want to spend time with our dear ones or be shown affection. Yet, it’s also perfectly fine for the others to need some independence and alone time when they focus on themselves and are not there for you. In those cases, the best approach is an open, respectful and transparent discussion to find acceptable compromises that will fit both parties.
To come back to the door analogy, setting up healthy boundaries doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself inside impenetrable walls. Otherwise, not only no one could enter, but you couldn’t get out. Instead, they should act as a gate you can open and close at will.
8. Take care of yourself
Self-care involves acknowledging your feelings, honouring them and giving yourself a priority. Focus on what makes you happy and feel good. You’ll have more energy, more peace of mind and overall be in a better place to be present for others when they need it. As you start setting and enforcing boundaries, you’ll realise that it’s not only your right but your responsibility to make the best choices for yourself. You’ll feel safer, stronger and empowered.
We all deserve healthy, positive relationships, both with ourselves and with others, in which we feel at ease, respected and wholly accepted. Those are relationships in which we feel safe to express our needs, desires and opinions. We are encouraged to be the best version of ourselves. Our successes are celebrated, and our mistakes are tolerated and forgiven.
As you progress in your journey, you may see some of your current relationships in a new light. Don’t be afraid to distance people who do not share your values and cannot respect your individuality. You’ll have more time and energy to focus on friendships where respect, love and affection are reciprocal.
To Go Further:
* This section contains affiliate links. This means if you make a purchase through these links, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost for you. Thank you for your support!
If you’d like to read more about this topic, I recommend the new book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Published in March 2021, it’s definitely one of the best books about boundaries I came across so far!